What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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