but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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