Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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