too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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