I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
