You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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