An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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