He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.