the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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