You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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