9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
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once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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