i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Couch. On fire.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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