Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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