I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
