I feel great
I just peed on a car
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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