You can't motorboat a personality
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
