I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
