So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Are my feet made of real feet?
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I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
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They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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