Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you didnt know i had herpes?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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