just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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