We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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