Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
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I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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