my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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