You can't special order awesome
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
