dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
