Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
