I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
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Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
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Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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