i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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