Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
