When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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