My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
