HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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