Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
