I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
