got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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