the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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