im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The struggles of a small town man whore
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
