I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
