He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
