I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
