theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
