She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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