im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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