So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
