last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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