First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Another day, another engagement, another cat
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
