I will die if light touches me.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
