my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
