hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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