im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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