I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
