if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
i believe in u and ur pee
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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