Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
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Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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