I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
