I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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