I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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