I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
