well I can't set my house on fire every night
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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